How Did I Get Here?

When I was in kindergarten we had a day where each of us stood on a stool in front of our peers and parents and said what wanted to be when we grew up. Does anyone actually know what they want to be when they grow up at that age? Does anyone end up being what they said they wanted to be? I didn't. I stood there loud and proud in my Velcro sneakers and told the class I wanted to be an author illustrator. Yep I wanted to write the book and do the drawings; part of me still does. Maybe that's why I'm typing this right now and why I spent half an hour trying to make this blog look aesthetically pleasing.

I moved on from my story writing and picture drawing dreams to wishes of being a veterinarian. To this day I have no idea if I wanted to be a doctor or just assist the actual vet but it passed quickly. I didn't know what I wanted to be for a few years. Looking back it's crazy that there's always this pressure for kids to know what they want to be when they're older. It's cute when you're 5 but kind of terrifying when you're 18 and about to graduate high school.

My first inkling to want to go into nursing was in grade nine. I was sitting in the backseat of one of my teacher's cars on the way to a cross country meet for school listening to one of my peers talk about how she wanted to work in the NICU as a nurse. It had never occurred to me to want to be a nurse; my mom is a nurse and so was her mom but I always thought that wasn't what I wanted to do. There wasn't any pressure except for a few comments here and there about how I could be one if I wanted. I think that helped me decide in the end: knowing there wasn't pressure and that I made the decision by myself. The thought of being a nurse fled quickly when my dad mentioned occupational therapy to me when I was 17 or so. I didn't know what it is or what you do but it seemed interesting enough. I had a plan to complete a Bachelor's degree in Child and Youth Care (not really sure how helpful that would have been for OT but most programs said you need just a Bachelor's degree so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) as I had an interest in pediatrics (that hasn't changed) then I would do the OT program (a master's degree) at UBC or somewhere else. I didn't want to go away for school and I was never fully set on OT; I don't think it was something I was completely drawn to knew it was what I wanted to do. I didn't even know what it was so how could I have known it was what I wanted to do?

I graduated high school in 2015 and knew I wanted to take a year off. I didn't feel rushed to do anything and I still wasn't sure how I was going to go about becoming an OT (despite my plan that I thought was well thought out) plus I knew I didn't need to fill time time taking classes that weren't going to get me anywhere. I don't know exactly when I decided to pursue nursing; I know it was solidified when I started watching Grey's Anatomy in the fall of 2016 (I know that sounds odd but I think knowing that what the doctors do on the show is actually what the nurses do made me know it's something I want to do for people) but I had decided a year before that that I wanted to be a nurse. I can't pinpoint the moment but I know it was the fall of 2015. I guess I was exploring further what OT was all about when I started to think of alternatives to it. I didn't know exactly what it would be like being a nurse but it slowly started to creep up on me that that would be something I would want to do. Once I knew the admission requirements for my local nursing program I decided I was going to go to college in January to upgrade some of my high school courses in order to be able to apply for the program. It felt good to be going to school knowing my work was going toward something.

I applied to the 2017 September entry in the fall of 2016. I also had a meltdown in November when I thought I was going to get a C+ in my English class that would prevent me from getting accepted into the nursing program. I cried in my bed because it felt like my dream was over (I cringe at being so dramatic but I fully endorse my meltdown and recommend a good cry at least once a month because it made me realize that everything works out even if in the moment in seems like it won't) not realizing that the class can be taken again next semester and the most I had heard from the nursing department was a confirmation email thanking me for my application which meant I didn't need to freak out about not getting in just yet. Plus, the semester wasn't even over yet and I still had a final paper to hand in to potentially up my grade. It all worked out; I got a B in my English class and realized I didn't need to panic about things that may happen or haven't happened.

I got accepted into the nursing program at my local college in April of 2017 after two cuts: one based on GPA (I was honestly shocked I made it past that one because I had made up this idea that everyone has a higher GPA than me) and another after we all took an online "character" test or something along that line. When I got my acceptance letter it was a surprise but it almost felt too easy to get into the program. It wasn't my second or third or fourth time applying to a nursing program and I didn't struggle with not having good enough grades and constant rejection. I know a lot of people have and I don't envy that and I don't want to make it seem like I'm bragging about getting in but it's what I felt. It's a a weird feeling because you hear so much about people never getting in to their dream college programs and just like that I was in mine and I had only been wanting to get in for a little over a year and I got in on my first try. Of course the program has kicked my butt so far but it was almost like after my meltdown everything fell into place like stepping stones leading me to my dream career; like the world knew I needed something good to happen. I'm grateful. I always will be. I'll be grateful for the tears and laughs for the rest of my life because I know they have and will shape me into who I need to be.

So that's it. That's how I got here, my second semester of my second year of nursing school. Who knows what else I'll post here but I'm excited to find out.